This transcript was stolen by Melania, who escaped her dungeon, and left on my porch in a mayonnaise jar at 5:30 this morning. She also included a plea for help, but this is more interesting. Included was the complete record of Donald Trump’s phone call with Russian President Vladimir Putin.
Trump: Hello Vlad
Putin: Hello my precious
Trump: No pillow talk Vlad, we need to do something bigly
Putin:What’s wrong Donald, you sound stressed
Putin: Come on Donald you know you can tell me anything
Trump: Well, its just that the media has been super mean to me. I had a really fun inauguration and I got to sit at the adult table after, but the media wouldn’t admit that I’m super cool. Then a bunch of women paraded, and I was happy because of all the boobs, but Steve Bannon wouldn’t let me go out to grab them.
Putin: But Donald, you are President, why do you not just imprison the journalists and have random women brought to you. It is how this works in my country.
Trump: My country just isn’t as cool as yours Vlad, I’m trying to make it like yours but everybody likes freedom and all that stupid stuff. Why don’t they just get more money? Then they wouldn’t have to pay taxes or obey laws.
Putin: Well are you at least having fun in the white house?
Trump: Yeah I guess… We have super cool phones, and I got to put up a photo of the guy who killed lots of Native Americans in my office.
Putin: Well that’s very special. So what did you want to talk about Donald?
Trump: Well you know how I really want to kill lots of people too.
Putin: yes and you’re doing a great job already by not funding health charities that admit abortion exists.
Trump: Yeah but I want to kill like looooooots of people. A yuuuuuuge amount of people.
Putin: How do you want to do that?
Trump: Well Steve said we should nuke Israel, but I think we should find a way to completely end any possibility of peace in the Middle East. Like bring back waterboarding… Put lots of people in Guantanamo, Drop a ton of bombs on cities.
Putin: But didn’t George Bush already do that?
Trump: No, that’s fake news, and nobody cares about the ragheads more than me, but they’re evil, they are terrorists and we need to stop them.
Putin: Ok Donald, If you lift the sanctions on my country I will let you drop bombs.
Putin: Donald?… Donald?…. (to aide) I think he spilled his juice on the phone.
The rest of the final page was covered in tears along with a warning that Donald is smuggling Russian brides through the basement of a Pizza place in North Carolina.