Trump’s Gettysburg Address

Gettysburg Adress

I have to give the credit for this idea to conservative professor Steven Hayward, who gave his own version of the first two lines in class on Thursday.  While much has been said about Trump “talking like the people” the real translation of that phrase is “least eloquent president we have ever had.”  So without further ado, Trump’s Gettysburg Address.

Trump’s Gettysburg Address

Eighty seven years ago there were some really great, great people.  I mean, nobody loves these guys more than me.  And they gave us big beautiful country, with big beautiful walls.  They all were so happy and everybody got along, especially the blacks and the Indians, because everybody was the same.

Now we’ve got a war going on, and a lot of people are saying the country won’t make it.  I mean the other day CNN ran a story saying that Jefferson Davis and me don’t like each other.  This is lies, it’s fake news people.  Nobody loves Jefferson Davis like me, I’m a huge, huge fan.  I really love their song, we built this city.  But we came here today, to this field, because a lot of people died here, and while I’m here I’d like to remind everyone of the Bowling Green Massacre, which the media was too biased to report on.  But we all know the people that died here were fighting to defend this country from radical Islamic terrorism.  So it’s a really good thing that we’re doing here.

But you know, we can’t do anything here,  The dead people here, those soldiers, and you know nobody loves the soldiers more than me, unless they’re POWs, so nobody’s going to remember what we say here.  Especially if all the fake news sources keep lying about me.  So we have to keep working to make America Great Again.  We need to build that big beautiful wall again, and start using more clean beautiful coal.  We can’t let these people have died for nothing.  All of them were fighting because of Buchanan, I mean that guy just left me a huge mess to clean up, he was a disaster as a President.  So we gotta make sure that we win the war, kill all the terrorists, and keep this country for the people.  MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!

(Crowd Boos)


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Siserough is a writer, political scientist, student, and hockey player who lives in Berkeley, CA. Go Bears!

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